"My humility is legend."

"You cannot be an inventor unless you are arrogant and reckless. The light bulb was not the result of, "Hi, honey, I want to be nobody and I'm glad there's nothing here to turn off!"

"I quit drinking. Now I have Valium with dinner."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst Liberals."

“Any fantasy beats any reality - anytime!”

"Sex and Love -- I always get those two mixed up."

"Be patient with the people you meet. It takes time to
discover how little you have in common with them."

"There's nothing worse than getting married right before you meet the girl of your dreams. I hate it when that happens."

"Happiness is easy to attain without the government. However, some effort on your own behalf is required."

"I just played John Cage's 4:33 really fast.
It only took 3:58!"

"Why is it the people most in need of mental help are the ones offering it?"

"Love is very expensive."

"Things improve with age ...... when you're two."

"I spent yesterday listening to serialism and atonality.
Today I was introduced to musiqué concrete.
Tomorrow I will commit suicide. I need the lift."

"Sometimes, I think organized religion is a replacement for
ecstasy — a bureaucratic placeholder for an empty soul."

"The older I get, the more I love children. They are
everything I wish to become."

"Sex is not about size. It's about aim."

"I graduated from medical school as a patient."

"I am convinced that women would buy an appendectomy if it were on sale."

"I had a very funny thought yesterday.
Today, nothing."